To Have and to Hold.

I mentioned something in the first blog about Christians having issues with admitting issues or shortcomings in their lives. I’ve been thinking about what to really get this thing going with next, and that was something that I definitely decided I wanted to address, as a wife, and also as the righteousness of God and the heir of everything His. 

I scratched the surface of the revelation of my identity at a home Bible study, being poured into by a wonderful South African woman named Sheilagh. I’ll probably mention her a few times throughout the duration of this blog, because she completely molded who I am now. Two years later, I’m continuing to get deeper and deeper revelation concerning who I am in Christ: righteous, holy, complete, perfect. Upon receiving this freedom, I, previously a whore and a half who never knew when to shut up and always had to be the center of attention, went wild with the Gospel. I shoved this down people’s throats, and I was far less than loving in many situations. I just needed to mature, and I still need to mature in so many ways. But I look back, and my only intention was always to bring light where darkness had flourished, so I feel no embarrassment about the things I said and did, because I know my heart was pure. Anyway, over the past year or so, I’ve always felt iffy expressing issues I was having or discouragement I was feeling, because I felt as though it wasn’t a good “example” to those who are still in condemnation or deceit. But the Lord has shown me recently that completion in Christ doesn’t mean we don’t face trials. It means we confront them from an already victorious place in Him, and it means we believe God when He says no weapon formed against us will prosper. Even when defeat is all we see in the natural, we continue to walk in faith that God is a keeper of His promises; THAT is walking in completion. 

That being said, there have been a good handful of times where I’ve walked away from a fight with my husband with a vindictive “FUCK YOU!” and cried for a good while halfway believing he didn’t love me. Not saying that’s okay by any means, but it’s also not okay for married/engaged couples to pretend they don’t face trials and demonic attacks and un-renewed-mind issues. Christians: it is more than okay to admit your life is hard. It is beneficial to your brothers and sisters in Christ and also to non-Christians to admit you face the same problems they do. I, myself, have faced good bit of condemnation based on inaccurate perceptions of other marriages. 

I’ll just be totally honest. We have problems. We fight a lot. We don’t agree on a good bit of things. Sometimes I have doubts about having married him. He’s too quiet and I’m too loud, which results in both of us feeling neglected in the acceptance department. We’ve both struggled with porn/masturbation for over 3/4 of our lives (some of which even made its way into our marriage), so we both still struggle with warped views of sex and intimacy. He’s had issues making me feel protected and safe, and I’ve had issues letting myself become vulnerable to him. I had trouble letting him pursue me in our dating relationship, and I also had problems with not bringing him into sexual temptation with me for my own twisted sense of love. I STILL feel grieved over that. 

It’s just this unending list of rough spots we need to polish on each other. But you know what? I still see Jesus radiating from John. He is still my best friend. He is still everything I ever dreamed of and more as a husband to me. I know he has made and will continue to make me happier than any other man ever could. I know he loves me more than he’s ever loved anything, and I know that we will continue to grow into more revelation of our own perfection in Christ. It seems contradictory to say we’re perfect, while, at the same time, listing all the flaws in our marriage. But it’s not. Who we truly are is not always who we believe we are. The reason we have these issues is a lack of maturity and understanding of who we are. Because we subconsciously believe we are less than, our lives become less than. This is a process here. We’re growing more every day. We may face trials, but I know the promises God has for me and my marriage, and I will continue to stand on those, no matter what silly little devil tries to get in the way.

So I just want to encourage every married/engaged couple out there that struggles. You can make it.  Never be afraid to admit when you’re attacked or temporarily deceived. In fact, take it as a compliment that your relationship is something the devil definitely doesn’t want around! God is for you and never against you. Be blessed and encouraged.

So, this is my “wife blog” of sorts. I have a different blog that’s filled with my muses, mumblings, and personal rants (nataliegreenbell.tumblr.com), but this one is more specific. If you don’t know me, I’m Natalie (Green) Bell, wife of John Bell. I got married young, so the majority of my friends are single. I’m writing this as a medium to share what married life is like for us, to tell our story, as tedious as it it may be, and to be honest with people that may come across this. As Christians, we’ve been guilty in the past of trying to make it seem as though life is now a breeze and we never have problems. Most Christians subconsciously do the same thing at some time or other, but the truth us, we’ve had rough patches. Really rough patches. There have been times where we’ve doubted if we made the right decision in get married so quickly, but, as we’re so quickly realizing, it’s not so much about purging ourselves of selfish ways or valiant efforts to make things as perfect as we want them to be, but more about growing together and molding each other as one flesh. So, this is my manifesto. I hope you enjoy it, I’m hoping I will. 

I’ll begin with our story. It’s a funny one. I had a friendship of sorts with a bandmate of John’s named Austin, who lived in Louisiana. We became interested in each other romantically around the fall of 2009. Of course, I jumped the gun like I always do, and Austin ended up starting to date a girl named Beth. I was still heartbroken and angry when John, whom I’d heard about a few times in conversation with Austin, added me on MySpace and started talking to me on chat. What’s crazy is that John and I are now married, as are Austin and Beth. I was in their wedding and Beth was in mine, and they are now some of our dearest friends. Really incredible people they are. Things really couldn’t have worked out any better, despite my bitterness at the time. But anyway, John and I eventually started texting, then talking on the phone…ALL THE TIME. We would literally sit on the phone until 6 am every single night. I’d just had knee surgery, so one night, the pain meds lowered my inhibition, and I admitted to John that I thought he was cute, thinking it was just playful and nothing would come of it. To my exceeding joy, he replied with mutual feelings. I’m sitting here grinning just thinking about it. He still does give me butterflies :)

Then one day about two weeks before Christmas, John was telling me about how he and his mom and stepdad were going to Michigan to see family for the holidays, and how you have to go through Memphis to get from Louisiana to Michigan. I half-heartedly said that on the way back, he should just get dropped off with me and that I drive him the 8 hours back to Crowley, Louisiana a few days later. To my surprise, he thought that was a fantastic idea and got off of the phone with me to let his mom know, then called me back. Ha! It was pretty much a shot in the dark. I mean, we had one mutual friend, Austin, and we’d made it clear we were pretty interested in each other, but…what if it didn’t work out? What if he got here and didn’t like me and then we’d have to spend 8 hours in a car together?! What he’s not what I think he is and I’m really disappointed?!! What if HE is disappointed?!?! All these questions were constantly running through my mind for that two weeks, but there was just something there I couldn’t say no to. He was funny, he loved Jesus more than almost anyone I’d ever met, we loved the same music, our personalities clicked, we never ran out of things to talk about (we still don’t), and he was/is absolutely adorable. So, that day came around. December 26th, 2009. My good friend Allie was with me, and I remember going to Old Navy that day just to find the perfect thing to wear, but still changing clothes 12 times because I was so nervous. We met up at a gas station right off of the interstate where I’m pretty sure I fell in love the moment he stepped out of the car. We awkwardly hugged and didn’t say much, then we went to eat at CiCi’s Pizza. I didn’t eat a whole lot because I was so incredibly nervous. When he went to the bathroom, I told my mom he was the man I was going to marry. Then we went to a show. All night, I was literally shaking from nerves. I mean, this guy is perfect, and he likes…me? This NEVER happens! Anyway, all night, he would halfway hold my hand for a few seconds and then get too nervous and back off. When I could tell how anxious he was, I would wait until he wasn’t paying attention, and then lightly kiss him on the cheek and just watch as his entire face turned tomato red and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop smiling ear to ear. And well, quite frankly, neither could I. 

We eventually went back to my house, where he slept in the spare bedroom that night after we watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall and tried to not make out, haha. I went to give him one of those cheek kisses I’d been giving him all night, and he turned his face towards mine and kissed me. Whew! From there, it’s history. We played Super Nintendo and then forced ourselves to go to sleep. The day after that, we ate Steak n’ Shake (isn’t it crazy how I remember all the little details?) and then hit the road. As we were passing through Baton Rouge, he asked me to be his “lady”. Hahaha! How awkward and cute right? A few days later, I went back to Memphis more giddy than I’d ever been in my life. 

Over the next 4 months, our entire lives revolved around getting off of work and saving money to come see each other. Eventually, the L bomb was dropped, of course after knowing we were in love for like two stupid weeks before we got to see each other again. We didn’t want to say it over the phone, you know? Soon enough, we knew we wanted to get married. He proposed April 20th, 4 days after I moved about an hour away from him to my friend Erin’s house. I was expecting the proposal and didn’t want to plan a wedding from 500 miles away. Oh, and the proposal. That’ll be another blog, ha! Eventually, we realized we were supposed to live in Memphis, not in Louisiana. So with our wedding date set as August 21st, we moved back to Tennessee in early July to finish planning and get all the details sorted out. 

After so many lustful slip ups, and wanting so badly to be pure for each other on our wedding night, we decided not to kiss for almost 3 weeks before our wedding. It was tough, but definitely worth it. Our wedding day was stressful and unorganized, but our wedding night, well, I’ll save that one for another blog too ;). We went on our honeymoon and came home and started life together. So far, it’s had its ups and downs, but I can say without a doubt that I’m more in love with John now than I’ve ever been. I’m more sure of him as the love of my life now than I ever was. It makes me the happiest woman alive to be his wife, his partner-in-crime, his best friend, his strength, his everything. He’s the man of my dreams that I never knew I dreamt of, and I cannot wait to spend every moment of the rest of my life worshiping Jesus with him. 

Well, I hope this was a good beginning. More to come very soon!