I mentioned something in the first blog about Christians having issues with admitting issues or shortcomings in their lives. I’ve been thinking about what to really get this thing going with next, and that was something that I definitely decided I wanted to address, as a wife, and also as the righteousness of God and the heir of everything His.
I scratched the surface of the revelation of my identity at a home Bible study, being poured into by a wonderful South African woman named Sheilagh. I’ll probably mention her a few times throughout the duration of this blog, because she completely molded who I am now. Two years later, I’m continuing to get deeper and deeper revelation concerning who I am in Christ: righteous, holy, complete, perfect. Upon receiving this freedom, I, previously a whore and a half who never knew when to shut up and always had to be the center of attention, went wild with the Gospel. I shoved this down people’s throats, and I was far less than loving in many situations. I just needed to mature, and I still need to mature in so many ways. But I look back, and my only intention was always to bring light where darkness had flourished, so I feel no embarrassment about the things I said and did, because I know my heart was pure. Anyway, over the past year or so, I’ve always felt iffy expressing issues I was having or discouragement I was feeling, because I felt as though it wasn’t a good “example” to those who are still in condemnation or deceit. But the Lord has shown me recently that completion in Christ doesn’t mean we don’t face trials. It means we confront them from an already victorious place in Him, and it means we believe God when He says no weapon formed against us will prosper. Even when defeat is all we see in the natural, we continue to walk in faith that God is a keeper of His promises; THAT is walking in completion.
That being said, there have been a good handful of times where I’ve walked away from a fight with my husband with a vindictive “FUCK YOU!” and cried for a good while halfway believing he didn’t love me. Not saying that’s okay by any means, but it’s also not okay for married/engaged couples to pretend they don’t face trials and demonic attacks and un-renewed-mind issues. Christians: it is more than okay to admit your life is hard. It is beneficial to your brothers and sisters in Christ and also to non-Christians to admit you face the same problems they do. I, myself, have faced good bit of condemnation based on inaccurate perceptions of other marriages.
I’ll just be totally honest. We have problems. We fight a lot. We don’t agree on a good bit of things. Sometimes I have doubts about having married him. He’s too quiet and I’m too loud, which results in both of us feeling neglected in the acceptance department. We’ve both struggled with porn/masturbation for over 3/4 of our lives (some of which even made its way into our marriage), so we both still struggle with warped views of sex and intimacy. He’s had issues making me feel protected and safe, and I’ve had issues letting myself become vulnerable to him. I had trouble letting him pursue me in our dating relationship, and I also had problems with not bringing him into sexual temptation with me for my own twisted sense of love. I STILL feel grieved over that.
It’s just this unending list of rough spots we need to polish on each other. But you know what? I still see Jesus radiating from John. He is still my best friend. He is still everything I ever dreamed of and more as a husband to me. I know he has made and will continue to make me happier than any other man ever could. I know he loves me more than he’s ever loved anything, and I know that we will continue to grow into more revelation of our own perfection in Christ. It seems contradictory to say we’re perfect, while, at the same time, listing all the flaws in our marriage. But it’s not. Who we truly are is not always who we believe we are. The reason we have these issues is a lack of maturity and understanding of who we are. Because we subconsciously believe we are less than, our lives become less than. This is a process here. We’re growing more every day. We may face trials, but I know the promises God has for me and my marriage, and I will continue to stand on those, no matter what silly little devil tries to get in the way.
So I just want to encourage every married/engaged couple out there that struggles. You can make it. Never be afraid to admit when you’re attacked or temporarily deceived. In fact, take it as a compliment that your relationship is something the devil definitely doesn’t want around! God is for you and never against you. Be blessed and encouraged.